


Bad Romance

by thisisthefamilybusiness



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Humor, M/M, Mystery, Post-Apocalypse Romance Novels, bad romance novels, references to like every other past fallout I think, this is a gen fic despite all appearances, though it does vaguely reference (in fake romance novel passages) some real ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 03:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10208912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisthefamilybusiness/pseuds/thisisthefamilybusiness
Summary: “What exactly are all these?” Nora’s eyes widened a little as she took in the half-dozen paperbacks lining a shelf in Curie’s room. “‘The Ranger and the Baroness’? ‘The Courier’s Bride’? And… ‘The Last Rose of the Wasteland’? Oh my god, are these… romance novels?”“Oh, oui, Madame! They were presents from Monsieur Hancock and Deacon! They said they would be good material for me to study human emotion from.”Nora pulled a book out at random.At A Minute’s Notice. The cover illustration was luridly suggestive, a sunset scene of two women in mostly-unbuttoned Minutemen uniforms grasping at each other’s shoulders on top of one of the crumbling walls of the Castle.“Um, Curie, I think they did this at a joke. These are… not good study materials.”“Non! Why would they do that? These books have been most helpful in my studies. They express such a wide variety of emotion. And the stories are so lovely. Mademoiselle Cait even has asked to borrow them!”





	

_At twenty years old, Jun Hsu—daughter of the greatest Brahmin baron in the Southwest wastes—is the most eligible bachelorette in New Canaan. With wide brown eyes and deep black hair that flows down her back like a river of onyx, and an inheritance set to make her the richest woman outside of the NCR, she could have any man or woman she wanted._

_But there’s a problem: Jun does not want any of the people who offer her their hands. Her heart already belongs to someone… Someone who wouldn’t stay in New Canaan for all the caps in the West, or even for a beautiful girl with stars and adoration in her eyes. Someone whose duty to their work would always come first: an NCR Ranger._

_A full year ago, Jun had been walking home from the general store one warm March afternoon when three New California Republic Rangers wandered into town, clad in full riot gear._

_Among them was Delaney Red: a beauty in her own right, beyond a nasty scar down her left cheek, with black hair cut tight to her scalp, helmet clasped under her right arm and an anti-material rifle slung across her back._

_Jun was frozen in place at her first glimpse of Delaney. She was not a believer in love at first sight, no—but somehow, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the young Ranger, heart thudding and face flushing when Delaney smiled at her._

“Never took you for the romance novel type,” Piper said, flopping down on the bed beside Deacon.

“For your information, Lina Walenty is a modern-day poet, and I will not stand for you to slander her good name.”

“Have you read ‘The Synth Who Loved Me’ yet? That’s quality literature right there.”

“Pssh. I keep extra copies of that just so I can give them away to new synth rescues. Give ‘em hope for their new lives, y’know. Now, have you read the sequel?” Deacon slid his sunglasses further up his nose absent-mindedly.

“She put out a sequel?”

“Oh yeah. It’s good stuff, too. Love triangle becomes a threesome.” He waggled his eyebrows dramatically. “Remember Alex from the beginning of the first book?”

“No.”

“Oh yeah.”

Piper whistled under her breath. “Can I borrow your copy?”

“Sure.”

* * *

“What exactly are all these?” Nora’s eyes widened a little as she took in the half-dozen paperbacks lining a shelf in Curie’s room. “‘The Ranger and the Baroness’? ‘The Courier’s Bride’? And… ‘The Last Rose of the Wasteland’? Oh my god, are these… romance novels?”

“Oh, _oui,_ Madame! They were presents from Monsieur Hancock and Deacon! They said they would be good material for me to study human emotion from.”

Nora pulled a book out at random. _At A Minute’s Notice._ The cover illustration was luridly suggestive, a sunset scene of two women in mostly-unbuttoned Minutemen uniforms grasping at each other’s shoulders on top of one of the crumbling walls of the Castle.

_Josefina Fonseca is one of the top snipers in the Commonwealth Minutemen—a job that takes her miles and miles from her home with her wife, Lalita, and rarely gives her time off. But after six years of playing homemaker while Josefina is away, Lalita is tired of waiting for her wife to come home. She joins the Minutemen herself—and sets off to go fight alongside the love of her life, despite Josefina’s wishes. As the Minutemen work to forge a new safer Commonwealth, Lalita and Josefina will have to fight raiders and learn how to navigate their own relationship—but will they both survive?_

“Um, Curie, I think they did this at a joke. These are… not good study materials.”

“ _Non_! Why would they do that? These books have been most helpful in my studies. They express such a wide variety of emotion. And the stories are so lovely. Mademoiselle Cait even has asked to borrow them!”

Nora flipped to a page that had clearly once been dog-eared. _Lalita moaned as Josefina left a soft trail of kisses down her abdomen, tangling her long elegant fingers in Josefina’s dark wild curls. Josefina slowly slid lower—_ She slammed the paperback closed like it had burned her, face burning neon red.

“You said Deacon and Hancock gave you these?”

“ _Oui_ , Madame. It was very generous of them, yes?”

“Sure. That’s… That’s a word for it.”

* * *

“Got the goods, Daisy?” Hancock slid his pocket knife back into his coat with a smile.

“As always, Mayor Hancock.” The ghoul slid a plain package wrapped in innocuous brown paper across the counter and into Hancock’s waiting hands. “Special edition just for you.”

Hancock waited until he was in his office, door locked behind him, to tear the paper away.

 _The Last Sailors of the Glowing Sea: A ‘Forbidden Love’ Novel_ by Lina Walenty. The cover promised a buff man in a skintight Brotherhood uniform and a waifish male ghoul in only torn jeans embracing, lips locked as a radstorm raged around them. _The Highly-Anticipated Sequel to ‘Enemy Lovers’._

_Hyam Roth has been loyal to the Brotherhood of Steel for two decades—he has served without hesitation, obeying every order given to him. In ‘Enemy Lovers’, Hyam met a ghoul that challenged and changed his narrow view of the world—a ghoul named Ianto Hann. Now wanted for treason by the Brotherhood, Hyam and Ianto are on the run—but what will happen when their journey forces them into the dangers of the Glowing Sea?_

Someone knocked on the office door. “Go away, I’m not in,” Hancock shouted back, propping his feet up on his desk as he reached for a fresh tin of Mentats.

The knocking continued.

“I said I’m not in right now.” Leisurely Hancock turned to the first page of the new paperback, popping a Mentat in his mouth. “Go bother Fahrenheit if it’s that important.”

 _The Last Sailors of the Glowing Sea._ In swirling cursive handwriting was the autograph of Lina Walenty, made out to _My Favorite Fan, Mayor Hancock. Hope you enjoy_. Hancock snorted a laugh.

“Hancock, it’s me. Nora. Why did you give Curie smut novels?” the knocker shouted back.

“They’re not smut, smoothskin, they’re art! And it was Deacon’s idea, anyway.” Hancock heard the clicking of a bobby pin in his door lock and the knob turned, revealing Nora, tricorn general’s hat and all.

“You told her they were good research materials,” Nora sighed. “What the hell?”

“She said she wants to learn about love, Deacon and I helped her. What’s the big deal?”

Nora caught the cover of the book spread open on Hancock’s desk. “Don’t tell me that you’re a big fan of those books too.”

“Don’t knock ‘em ‘til you read em, sunshine.” Hancock winked. “I got some you can borrow if you want. All first-editions, too.”

* * *

 

Nora had walked her rounds of the Castle twice, just to make sure that nobody was going to need her, before she told everyone she was settling in for the night and retired to her room, double-locking her door to make sure she wouldn’t have any unexpected guests.

She’d picked the book at random from Hancock’s shelf without looking, mortified the entire time. The cover didn’t look too embarrassing—two women standing back-to-back, surrounded by hostile Securitrons, the taller one wearing hooded rag-robes with a power fist and the other in a Brotherhood recon suit with a sniper rifle. _Reunions and Ruin_ by Lina Walenty.

_Ina and Berenice were born and raised in the Mojave chapter of the Brotherhood of Steel. The years since have pushed them both away from the Brotherhood—Berenice to the Followers of the Apocalypse in New Vegas, and Ina to the Circle of Steel in the Canyon Wastes. They haven’t seen each other in fifteen years. But now, as the New California Republic and Caesar’s Legion prepare to battle for the Hoover Dam, Ina and Berenice will cross paths again. The years apart have changed both women drastically, but there’s still a magnetic pull between them. Will their passion be enough to bridge the time spent apart, or have they changed too much?_

It didn’t sound too bad, Nora thought, as far as ridiculous romance stories went. And she’d always had a soft spot for rom-coms before the war.

* * *

“Hey Deacon, guess who just paid for a full-page spread in Publick Occurances?” Piper sing-songed, walking into the barracks at the Castle, where Deacon was stretched out in bed eating Fancy Lads.

“Let me guess: it was MacCready, finally publishing that comic book thing about his gun-slinging cowboy alter-ego I’ve seen him writing a dozen times now?”

Piper stared at Deacon, raising an eyebrow. “Wait, MacCready writes?”

“Oh yeah. Draws, too. Not half-bad, honestly. It’s all about this alternate universe where he’s this, like, robo-cowboy outlaw and he’s train-hopping out west, and he has to save a train full of people even though he’s in hiding. Bit heavy-handed, though. Dude drew himself wearing a belt buckle that says ‘BAMF.’”

“Well, it’s not that. Definitely not that.”

“Oh. Well, then what is it?” Deacon popped another snack cake in his mouth.

“A press release from Lina Walenty. And I have the proofing copy right here.” Piper waved a sheet of paper she pulled from her pocket in the air.

_Coming Soon from Lina Walenty: ‘Dark Nights in the Wasteland.’ To celebrate the release of her fiftieth novel (The Last Sailors of the Glowing Sea), Lina Walenty is releasing a special collection of intimate short stories. ‘Dark Nights in the Wasteland’ will feature both new and favorite characters from Walenty’s works, including: Alex and G9-23, Baines and Ganza, Ina and Berenice, Adora and Miho, Jun and Red, and many more. Reviewers say that ‘Dark Nights’ is the “sexiest work Walenty has written so far,” and that “Walenty has outdone herself this time.” Copies of ‘Dark Nights in the Wasteland’ can be purchased wherever fine books are sold for a suggested retail price of ten caps._

Deacon whistled as he read the sheet. “So does this mean you met Lina Walenty?”

Piper shook her head, folding the paper back up. “Came via mail, no return address. No idea. Whoever she really is, she wants to keep it a secret.”

* * *

Nick reclined in his desk chair, staring at the green flashing cursor, taking a drag of his cigarette.

“Don’t stay up too late, Nick,” Ellie sighed. “Sleep mode is important.” Nick waved her off as she closed the office door behind herself.

Nick pulled up his private file folder on the computer once he heard the lock slide home, clicking on the most recent text file. DARK NIGHTS IN THE WASTELAND by LINA WALENTY.

“Chapter nine,” Nick muttered to himself, typing as he went. “Passion of the Mechanical Man.”

**Author's Note:**

> anyway I wrote this while enjoying some wine coolers so if you catch any typos please let met know so I can correct them!
> 
> (if you're wondering what was up with the MacCready comic book thing, his VA is also the VA for McCree from Overwatch, and that comic is a real thing you can read [here](https://comic.playoverwatch.com/en-us/mccree-train-hopper)
> 
> I have a blog where I curate the finest memes and shitposts for Fallout and Overwatch [here](https://officialclaricestarling.tumblr.com)


End file.
